11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
