My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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