While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
