You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
