..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
