brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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