Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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