No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
