i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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