Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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