Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
