i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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