1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you will always have a special place in my vag
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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