Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
