Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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