I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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