i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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