I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just invented taco cereal.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
