i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
