I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
