I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
