i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
