Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
