I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
