when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
