My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
