I must be too annoying 4 u.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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