He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
