break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
