she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
