you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
