Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
