Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
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the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
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This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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