bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
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