I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
