I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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