About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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