Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
