my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
