wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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