1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm going to jail i love you
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
