I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I am spending my child support on dildos
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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