Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
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he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
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You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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