I accidentally had phone sex last night
Are we in a gay sports bar?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
