I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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