Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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