I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
