Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
