yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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