my phone needs a breathalizer
sarcasm needs its own font
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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