I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
