24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
