Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
