Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Randomize
