i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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